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oh hello, you found me. this is a personal notebook space for raw, unfinished thoughts that I might find useful to refer back to later. things written here are often not sanitised properly for public consumption, so beware.

eta honked 26 Sep 2021 18:01 +0000

somehow I actually failed to believe that you could do the Day 2 UK arrival test before Day 2, but you can! madness

time to not bother with waiting two days then

eta honked 26 Sep 2021 15:39 +0000

eeeee they're so cute


eta honked 26 Sep 2021 14:41 +0000

this pharmacy has the cutest eInk price tags I've ever seen :o


eta honked 26 Sep 2021 14:39 +0000

sometimes, when you don't have any self-confidence / self-esteem, you interpret way too many things as being personal attacks / people being out to get you

...this is something that only becomes obvious when you get some self-confidence :p

eta honked 26 Sep 2021 10:17 +0000

there's a part of me that naturally resists change (of the self), even if it's unequivocally for the better, and sometimes it's really hard to overcome!

...which is kinda strange and maladaptive, and I wonder why that's there

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 22:46 +0000

your intuition is often surprisingly correct -- but also doesn't necessarily provide you with an obvious path to proceed along

...hm that's familiar

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 22:44 +0000

a bunch of honks look silly in retrospect But Also knowing what to do is incredibly hard! it's not bad to fuck up; in fact, it's useful, because it increases knowledge of known failure modes

...man, people really need to be bad at things more, it'd advance their knowledge of things by so much

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 22:42 +0000

ironically people sometimes handle awkward situations by ignoring them, which can often be surprisingly hurtful!

...pay no attention to the 4 awkward situations I am presently ignoring

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 22:41 +0000

where one problem ends, another begins


the less you repress things, the better for everyone involved; relatedly, the avoidant attachment style is bad news for a reason (points for not doing that as much!)

closure is powerful and greatly reduces the hurting you shall receive; feeling like you aren't even deserving of that is very ungood

[probably more but also, sleepy]

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 19:49 +0000

depending on other people's judgement because I have no good sense of my own (due to neurodivergence)

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 19:15 +0000

by Sod's Law, these honks are probably never read by people they apply to (where them reading them would transfer useful information)

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 19:09 +0000

hmm, attempting to intellectualize relationships is just a form of being emotionally unavailable, isn't it

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 19:09 +0000

is being interested in someone who isn't interested in you (yet?) always necessarily painful? in what ways does having issues with self-esteem interact with this phenomenon?

currently I feel like the answer is yes (and people who claim otherwise are practicing repression) -- but also that it's somewhat harder to pick yourself up off the floor if you have other problems.

also! those other problems might result in you assuming a lack of romantic interest is necessarily coupled to a disinterest or disrespect for you as a person, which is usually untrue!

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 16:43 +0000

wow I'm excellent at dissociating, even around people I should really trust to just say what I'm feeling

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 15:58 +0000

hmm, you know what? I want someone to ask me questions; to take an interest in all the quirky fun things I do that make me a cool person to be around! I have some intrinsic value, and I don't need to be doing the lion's share of the work in interpersonal relationships!

(well, I have some interpersonal relationships that work like this and they're great!)

...but at the same time, it's difficult to know how much extra work is just Stuff I Have To Do because of neurodivergence / trauma / etc. "I'm worrying about this way more than they are!" could just be because they're neurotypical and I am not, etc.

eta honked 25 Sep 2021 12:39 +0000

fr:bourse ~= de:Börse, probably


eta honked 25 Sep 2021 10:23 +0000

🚲 14.83 km / 2 hours

eta honked 24 Sep 2021 22:13 +0000

hypothesis: really bad regret happens when you push something away and repress it thinking it'll be fine (whilst somewhat knowing it won't be)

...and then the situation changes (usually for the worse), and you realise you really should have pushed through it and done the thing that was initially uncomfortable, because now you can't any more

eta honked 24 Sep 2021 22:12 +0000

I've realised / been informed that "taking things (too) literally" is potential problem neurotypicals just don't suffer from

somewhat related to https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/b1CvMZ5JQ7PLHmfxkT — maybe neurotypicals can just automatically conceptualize when something is really about the other person and not actually applicable to you, but I can't?

eta honked 24 Sep 2021 15:21 +0000

huh, Eurostar trains are very similar to DB ICE 3s

[one Wikipedia later]

ah, they're both Siemens Velaro trains, checks out

eta honked 24 Sep 2021 15:19 +0000

haven't done one of these in like. 6 years?


eta honked 23 Sep 2021 23:26 +0000

man, I literally had to earn my right to enjoy myself (by playing around with computers) by doing work, or things that I found distasteful (otherwise I wouldn't be allowed)

this is a very common parenting strategy, but how valid is it?

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 22:57 +0000

extent to which I don't actually naturally generate the "oh, if only I'd done [xyz] then I wouldn't be in this situation!" ("undoing") thinking pattern; that seems to be something that I've learned (and then later kind of unlearned), instead of something I naturally just did

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 22:39 +0000

also realizing a lot of trauma has been inflicted by just blindly following what other people claim to be true whenever I've needed to find some rationalization for why something is emotionally upsetting or complex to deal with (among other cases)

like, on some level other people are so bad at giving advice, especially

(a) when they give it to you without you really asking for it (!)
(b) when you're actually somewhat neurodivergent, so their advice will be useless, or (relatedly)
(c) when your current problem falls far outside the realm of things they've had to deal with, so they can't really reason about it usefully

younger eta really needed to realise that the best person to tell her what was going on was herself, not anyone else

in fact, she annoyed people because the advice she received didn't quite fit, which generally led to more questions and more bad advice, ...

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 22:30 +0000

other neurodivergence-related sources of anger: having to sift through criticism people throw at me

I've oscillated between "I am going to care a lot about what other people say and take most of it as gospel" and "I am going to mostly ignore what other people say, because they all hate me and want me to fail" a lot before, because those in some senses are 'easy' positions to adopt (I guess "for people like me", they are)

having to be in the middle and actually figure out what's just people being concerned with themselves and what's actual criticism is really hard and takes a lot of effort.

it thus is somewhat frustrating sometimes when people (seemingly 'unnecessarily') add to this pile of "criticism that needs classification"

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 22:23 +0000

realising (after chatting to some friends) that certain things make me especially irrationally angry because of my neurodivergence

generally as explained before (https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/1GZfk2nmx6VSwxk1qs), things like socializing do not benefit from hardware offloads; they require explicit rational thought

this therefore means that events that can not be easily handled under my existing frameworks for socialising cause me to have to do extra control-plane work in order to figure out how to handle them, and in turn doubt myself about whether the results are correct, etc.

this is both effortful (unfun) and I guess in some sense maybe reminds me about the fact that most people don't have to do this (also unfun).

to be fair the real reason this is unfun is probably just the "doubt myself" part, because I don't have that intrinsic sense of "this is a good idea!" that people seem to have for social situations

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 14:59 +0000

"Waterloo and City resumes at 1520"

mate it's 1559 what are you on about

eta honked 23 Sep 2021 14:44 +0000

tasty GBRf locomotive (which actually delayed my train's exit from the platform while it trundled past :p)


eta honked 23 Sep 2021 12:46 +0000

mediocre Class 458 time


eta honked 22 Sep 2021 21:31 +0000

I think one thing that caused me to not have any energy is having nobody to talk to, or nothing to talk about with said people (though the latter is less common)

the state where I've sent messages to like 4 people and gotten no responses is usually a low energy one

eta honked 22 Sep 2021 20:59 +0000

after last week's experiences of having my emotions rotated about the astral plane many times an hour it's kinda weird to be back to everything mostly being stable

eta honked 22 Sep 2021 20:55 +0000

hmm, I think screwing up your sleep for one night causes problems that persist for like 3+ nights, maybe

eta honked 21 Sep 2021 18:15 +0000

Canary Wharf at dusk is pretty nice sometimes!


eta honked 20 Sep 2021 23:14 +0000

so I can order 12 cans of tasty drink direct from the original maker's website, for £20

or I can buy 12 cans from Waitrose, for £1.50 each, so £18

...how has this worked out such that it's cheaper to go via the supermarket