somehow I actually failed to believe that you could do the Day 2 UK arrival test before Day 2, but you can! madness
time to not bother with waiting two days then
eeeee they're so cute
...wait hang on that says 2020 on it >_<
this one is sad :(
this pharmacy has the cutest eInk price tags I've ever seen :o
cute tickety boi
sometimes, when you don't have any self-confidence / self-esteem, you interpret way too many things as being personal attacks / people being out to get you
...this is something that only becomes obvious when you get some self-confidence :p
there's a part of me that naturally resists change (of the self), even if it's unequivocally for the better, and sometimes it's really hard to overcome!
...which is kinda strange and maladaptive, and I wonder why that's there
your intuition is often surprisingly correct -- but also doesn't necessarily provide you with an obvious path to proceed along
...hm that's familiar
a bunch of honks look silly in retrospect But Also knowing what to do is incredibly hard! it's not bad to fuck up; in fact, it's useful, because it increases knowledge of known failure modes
...man, people really need to be bad at things more, it'd advance their knowledge of things by so much
ironically people sometimes handle awkward situations by ignoring them, which can often be surprisingly hurtful!
...pay no attention to the 4 awkward situations I am presently ignoring
where one problem ends, another begins
the less you repress things, the better for everyone involved; relatedly, the avoidant attachment style is bad news for a reason (points for not doing that as much!)
closure is powerful and greatly reduces the hurting you shall receive; feeling like you aren't even deserving of that is very ungood
[probably more but also, sleepy]
depending on other people's judgement because I have no good sense of my own (due to neurodivergence)
by Sod's Law, these honks are probably never read by people they apply to (where them reading them would transfer useful information)
hmm, attempting to intellectualize relationships is just a form of being emotionally unavailable, isn't it
is being interested in someone who isn't interested in you (yet?) always necessarily painful? in what ways does having issues with self-esteem interact with this phenomenon?
currently I feel like the answer is yes (and people who claim otherwise are practicing repression) -- but also that it's somewhat harder to pick yourself up off the floor if you have other problems.
also! those other problems might result in you assuming a lack of romantic interest is necessarily coupled to a disinterest or disrespect for you as a person, which is usually untrue!
wow I'm excellent at dissociating, even around people I should really trust to just say what I'm feeling
I think I don't really mind putting in (even a lot) of effort, if and only if the person I'm putting in the effort for recognizes its value (and, I guess, my value?)
hmm, you know what? I want someone to ask me questions; to take an interest in all the quirky fun things I do that make me a cool person to be around! I have some intrinsic value, and I don't need to be doing the lion's share of the work in interpersonal relationships!
(well, I have some interpersonal relationships that work like this and they're great!)
...but at the same time, it's difficult to know how much extra work is just Stuff I Have To Do because of neurodivergence / trauma / etc. "I'm worrying about this way more than they are!" could just be because they're neurotypical and I am not, etc.
fr:bourse ~= de:Börse, probably
cycling in a skirt is surprisingly okay actually!
🚲 14.83 km / 2 hours
hypothesis: really bad regret happens when you push something away and repress it thinking it'll be fine (whilst somewhat knowing it won't be)
...and then the situation changes (usually for the worse), and you realise you really should have pushed through it and done the thing that was initially uncomfortable, because now you can't any more
I've realised / been informed that "taking things (too) literally" is potential problem neurotypicals just don't suffer from
somewhat related to https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/b1CvMZ5JQ7PLHmfxkT — maybe neurotypicals can just automatically conceptualize when something is really about the other person and not actually applicable to you, but I can't?
huh, Eurostar trains are very similar to DB ICE 3s
[one Wikipedia later]
ah, they're both Siemens Velaro trains, checks out
haven't done one of these in like. 6 years?
...but what if society is fucked up? (insert USSR national anthem)
oh wait that's also. just how society works
careful there eta :P
man, I literally had to earn my right to enjoy myself (by playing around with computers) by doing work, or things that I found distasteful (otherwise I wouldn't be allowed)
this is a very common parenting strategy, but how valid is it?
like, my reaction to a bad situation is usually more "okay, how do we get out of it?"
extent to which I don't actually naturally generate the "oh, if only I'd done [xyz] then I wouldn't be in this situation!" ("undoing") thinking pattern; that seems to be something that I've learned (and then later kind of unlearned), instead of something I naturally just did
also realizing a lot of trauma has been inflicted by just blindly following what other people claim to be true whenever I've needed to find some rationalization for why something is emotionally upsetting or complex to deal with (among other cases)
like, on some level other people are so bad at giving advice, especially
(a) when they give it to you without you really asking for it (!)
(b) when you're actually somewhat neurodivergent, so their advice will be useless, or (relatedly)
(c) when your current problem falls far outside the realm of things they've had to deal with, so they can't really reason about it usefully
younger eta really needed to realise that the best person to tell her what was going on was herself, not anyone else
in fact, she annoyed people because the advice she received didn't quite fit, which generally led to more questions and more bad advice, ...
again, the implication is that figuring this out is supposed to be easy for neurotypicals somehow
...or even people who don't have a certain loadout of trauma concerning self-esteem!
other neurodivergence-related sources of anger: having to sift through criticism people throw at me
I've oscillated between "I am going to care a lot about what other people say and take most of it as gospel" and "I am going to mostly ignore what other people say, because they all hate me and want me to fail" a lot before, because those in some senses are 'easy' positions to adopt (I guess "for people like me", they are)
having to be in the middle and actually figure out what's just people being concerned with themselves and what's actual criticism is really hard and takes a lot of effort.
it thus is somewhat frustrating sometimes when people (seemingly 'unnecessarily') add to this pile of "criticism that needs classification"
realising (after chatting to some friends) that certain things make me especially irrationally angry because of my neurodivergence
generally as explained before (https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/1GZfk2nmx6VSwxk1qs), things like socializing do not benefit from hardware offloads; they require explicit rational thought
this therefore means that events that can not be easily handled under my existing frameworks for socialising cause me to have to do extra control-plane work in order to figure out how to handle them, and in turn doubt myself about whether the results are correct, etc.
this is both effortful (unfun) and I guess in some sense maybe reminds me about the fact that most people don't have to do this (also unfun).
to be fair the real reason this is unfun is probably just the "doubt myself" part, because I don't have that intrinsic sense of "this is a good idea!" that people seem to have for social situations
"Waterloo and City resumes at 1520"
mate it's 1559 what are you on about
tasty GBRf locomotive (which actually delayed my train's exit from the platform while it trundled past :p)
the data sheet thingies attached to trains are always quite aesthetic imo
mediocre Class 458 time
I think one thing that caused me to not have any energy is having nobody to talk to, or nothing to talk about with said people (though the latter is less common)
the state where I've sent messages to like 4 people and gotten no responses is usually a low energy one
don't really like this; I want my hyperactivity back ;w;
after last week's experiences of having my emotions rotated about the astral plane many times an hour it's kinda weird to be back to everything mostly being stable
hmm, I think screwing up your sleep for one night causes problems that persist for like 3+ nights, maybe
swans on the move
Canary Wharf at dusk is pretty nice sometimes!
so I can order 12 cans of tasty drink direct from the original maker's website, for £20
or I can buy 12 cans from Waitrose, for £1.50 each, so £18
...how has this worked out such that it's cheaper to go via the supermarket