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eta rants into the void.

eta honked 22 Oct 2021 19:36 +0000

⚖️ 76.6 kg

haven't weighed myself in like. a year, or two?

this'll be interesting to track over time given HRT

(only got around to doing this because I now have batteries for the weighing scales :p)

eta honked 22 Oct 2021 19:03 +0000

fun fact! people are perfectly capable of letting you know they don't like something you're doing, or indeed you, themselves

okay, so, British culture really fucks with this one — people really are less inclined to do this here because it's "impolite", which I think is really dumb

but in the context of established interpersonal relationships doing that sort of thing should be a bit more normalized. so assuming you're necessarily being a nuisance to someone is both

(a) probably untrue, especially if you have a history of self-doubt problems, and
(b) somewhat disrespectful of the person, I guess — assuming what people's opinions are without actually asking them is kinda crappy

eta honked 22 Oct 2021 18:56 +0000

Will tomorrow ever come? Will I make it through the night? Will there ever be a place for the broken in the light? Am I hurting? Am I sad? Should I stay, or should I go? I've forgotten how to tell. Did I ever even know?

man, this song's lyrics are like. so good (and also capture a certain kind of emotional misery / confusion exceptionally well)

[lyrics from Bad Apple!!]

eta honked back 22 Oct 2021 17:32 +0000
in reply to: https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/6HHzl4fmp71821kg4Y

I'm not so sure those have the authority required to do trans bridging prescriptions specifically, but I guess I'll find out

guess what I was right ಠ_ಠ

I now have an actual GP appointment scheduled — with Babylon's transgender GP, even! — on 2021-11-03, which is useful

the issue is my current e2 wheel runs out on 2021-11-04, so this will be somewhat tight

eta honked 22 Oct 2021 17:09 +0000

so Babylon GP at Hand cancelled my GP appointment (to get a bridging prescription) and gave me a new one with a "Prescribing Pharmacist"

I'm not so sure those have the authority required to do trans bridging prescriptions specifically, but I guess I'll find out

(also, doing a GP appointment via video call is unreasonably stressful, hm)

eta honked 21 Oct 2021 12:21 +0000

more intertube issues! this time, looks like it's not even my fault; there's weird packet loss inside Mythic's network for some reason (?)

[graph shows errors over time]

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eta honked 20 Oct 2021 23:35 +0000

[cw selfie] okay I really like having my hair be like this; strong gender euphoria vibes

(I mean, you can see facial hair if you zoom in enough, but that's because I am ✨ lazy)

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eta honked 20 Oct 2021 22:30 +0000

nails update: they're kind of peeling off / cracking

this is so sad ;w;

eta honked 20 Oct 2021 18:45 +0000

extent to which you assume other people have issues in order to feel good about yourself for having issues

(the failure mode where it turns out they actually don't is somewhat interesting :p)

eta honked back 20 Oct 2021 17:26 +0000
in reply to: https://h.eta.st/u/eta/h/4nNY3m5g2S15FGFhKj

well, we can be precise about this — the day my mental health tanked was 2020-01-21, and it hasn't been the same since :p

...but also, as evidenced, it was a long time coming really

to this day I still don't have any idea what the trigger was

eta honked 20 Oct 2021 17:25 +0000

spelunking through old weechat logs from 2018-2019

2018-10-20 19:42:27 eeeeeta Why do I hate compliments?

2018-10-20 19:42:44 eeeeeta - Because the bloody things lodge in your brain, and have the effect of actually making you feel good about yourself.

2018-10-20 19:42:52 eeeeeta - This effect is highly dangerous and should ideally be avoided!

yep yep good, definitely not a massive red flag right here

not as if this mindset would all collapse in on itself 2 and a bit years later, oh no :p

eta honked 20 Oct 2021 00:36 +0000

one thing I really dislike is like. masculine lechery

the idea of leering at women and making them feel uncomfortable is just awful

I think assuming my own sexuality was necessarily isomorphic to this is where a lot of my internalized sex-negativity comes from, hmm

eta honked 20 Oct 2021 00:11 +0000

man, I have loads of respect for furries

furries manage to deal with a whole load of issues that many people (me included!) find quite hard, specifically around being open with your sexuality

like as much of a joke inflating people making them big and round is, it's downright impressive that the person who said that got over themselves enough to do so; this is something I'd find really hard, for one

the ability to be proud of and channel your imagination like some furries seem to do with respect to their fursonas is also really inspiring — it feels like I took my own imagination out the back and shot it 10 years ago for fear of make-believe being "immature", which is actually just sad

(this is also why D&D is actually cool)

a lot of these opinions are cribbed from observing some friends who are furries, but also there's probably a degree of projection here; I'm not actually that well versed in this stuff :p

eta honked 19 Oct 2021 21:11 +0000

work team members going "I've left you review comments; do you want to fix them yourself, or should I just fix it and merge it in for you?"

...this is actually collaborative?! what a strange and foreign concept

like I actually somewhat believe this is the way the majority of code reviews should work; unless you really need the original person's input (for example, to understand why they did something or tell them they might have misunderstood), it's far less effort to just fix the minor changes you have and merge yourself instead of leaving comments, waiting for them to address them, and then merging

also there's an extent to which at least personally having to revisit things is somewhat draining; having people work on your PRs makes it far more pleasant (and you don't feel like everyone is poking holes in your crap all the time)

eta honked 19 Oct 2021 14:16 +0000

ah yes, I forgot what programming in async rust was like

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eta honked 19 Oct 2021 01:33 +0000

why is making important decisions (like breaking up with someone, for example) while influenced by heavy emotions normalized as a thing

like this is a really stupid idea; you should make consequential decisions with as clear / rational a mind as possible instead of having things be emotionally charged?

maybe this isn't normalized and I've just witnessed too many examples of this maladaptive behaviour

eta honked 18 Oct 2021 14:19 +0000

oof ouch owie my Trackernet scraper

(what caused this to start? who knows!)

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eta honked 18 Oct 2021 14:18 +0000

terrible things to wake up to on a Monday morning:

  • a stack of alerts about how everything on a container host is borked due to running out of RAM
  • an intertube outage
  • an NHS COVID-19 close contact notification
  • a "missed alarm" notification, indicating having overslept

eta honked 17 Oct 2021 17:09 +0000

[letting some random curl | sh script install stuff:] spray your garbage all over my container, uwu~

eta honked 17 Oct 2021 16:45 +0000

Don’t forget to let your friends know you’re working on your voice before you try to practise around them. Surprising them with a new voice might provoke knee-jerk responses rather than useful feedback.

I've definitely inadvertently shocked people by suddenly being quite Gender around them without prior notice; there's an extent to which transitioning almost seems boring to the person doing it (because it feels natural! being yourself isn't news; it's not being yourself that feels notable) — but from everyone else's perspective, it's a surprisingly big jump if they knew you before!

(quote from https://genderkit.org.uk/article/working-on-your-voice/)

eta honked 17 Oct 2021 15:31 +0000

I think I've run into an incredibly cursed CL edge case (trying to use DECLARE inside a macro to mark something special)

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eta honked 17 Oct 2021 13:56 +0000

wow, Gitlab's profile information stuff is pretty cool (built-in support for pronouns and pronunciation information!)

why can't every piece of vaguely social software be like this :p

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eta honked 17 Oct 2021 12:33 +0000

oh man, I found https://comicsbyxan.com/comic/lets-check-in-with-teenage-xan/ again and this is actually more of a mood than I previously thought

(like, that somewhat explains why school was the way it was, perhaps)

it's not a 100% match though — I mean, I looked at that comic before realizing I was trans and was like "eh, this isn't relatable"

eta honked 16 Oct 2021 23:20 +0000

how far will your ticket take you?

(about 401 miles, apparently)

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eta honked 16 Oct 2021 22:00 +0000

"apparently there were young people throwing bricks at trains just north of Wigan North Western; unfortunately we had to go through at a cautionary speed, as did the train in front of us"

what a reason for a delay! I wonder whether there's a delay attribution code for that :p

(also sadly I think it's going to make it back less than 30 minutes' late in the end, sigh)

eta honked 16 Oct 2021 19:50 +0000

it's happening again!

jeez it'd be so good if I could claim 2 × delay repay 30

literally cutting the price of the walkup ticket in half right there :p

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eta honked 16 Oct 2021 17:02 +0000

lol. the driver on this Pendolino just made an announcement along the lines of "you know, we do have CCTV in all the carriages, including the shop. so if you take something from the shop, we can easily figure out who it was. so, uh, the person who did that, come back and pay for your stuff..."

eta honked 16 Oct 2021 15:10 +0000

✅ painted nails

this is amazing! strong cute girl energies

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eta honked 16 Oct 2021 13:58 +0000

[content warning: BDSM] so uh. this image ends up being quite relatable to me I think

in particular the state transition between left to right here is incredibly fun; a good word to describe one of the emotions that occurs during said period might be "voracity"

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